I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
