I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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