You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
