I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
