Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
