then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
