after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
