Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
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