My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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