The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
