How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
