Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
