Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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