I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
