Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
