FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
