I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
