Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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