apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
