I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
