There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
