nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Lo siento on account of my penis...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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