This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
