I puked a lego.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
