Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
