Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I would ride that face into the sunset
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
