Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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