I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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