my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
