go do what you do best...puke behind churches
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
