I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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