i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
