The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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