So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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