my mouth tastes like poor choices
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
