Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
