we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
