tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
