What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
