Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Randomize
