I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
