My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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