I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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