SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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