she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
