We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
