Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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