sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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