Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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