Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize