Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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