My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
