my room smells like sperm. sweet.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
