i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
God I need to hump something, right now.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
