So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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