Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
