Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
