my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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