Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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