Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
