Define "chronic" masturbator.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just forgot I was standing up.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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